Thirteen Years in One Hundred Steps: Theme 8 – Innocence
Father always told me I lived in my own innocent world detached from reality, and often commanded me to put my mind in the present instead of my fantasies.
But my fantasies are my only outlet of thought. In these harsh times, I don’t have much of an opportunity to be myself. Be a child. Be a friend to those two. My fantasies are my only escape.
I know I should have broken out of it a long time ago. I know I should have left that innocence behind when I first heard about this war. That could have been the latest moment I could have left that innocence behind.
I couldn’t, though. I thought on it. I actually did think on it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how…separated, I would be from them if I threw down those fantasies. They would not know me anymore. I would lose those two, both of them people I love and hold dearly in my heart.
I’m scared of letting go of them. I’m afraid of not seeing them.
I don’t want to leave her side.
I wanted to share my fantasies with her. I wanted to help her. I knew she wanted and needed some way to show herself as she was. I think my fantasies would have helped her.
I could never get myself to tell her though. It was not shyness. It was not fear. But I know I always was happy enough to just stay at her side. I never felt like I had to tell her. With me, I bet she was herself at any time.
I know I was when she was with me at my side.
Let it go. Drop it. Grow up. Why do you insist on holding on to it?
I don’t know. I have no idea, Father. Maybe…Maybe perhaps it’s because I’m so scared of seeing those two turn their backs on me. I never wanted to see them ignore me like that.
But it happened. I have no choice but to accept.
Everything I had ever held dear in my heart all shattered to pieces when they refused to look at me.
They never even said goodbye. Never even looked back. Never even acknowledged that I would probably never see them again.
It hurts, it really does. Half of me says we’ll see each other again. All three of us will be together once more. I want to believe it. I want to be that innocent and believing again. Innocent enough to believe that a war would quickly pass and bring me back to those two one more time.
And then another half of me knows. Knows that this wary may be prolonged. Knows that I might not ever see the two again. Knows that because this is a war, I could easily lose those two as I could easily be killed. Knows that I could be left alone with no support.
My heart tears apart when I think of losing one, the other, or both. I can’t stand that pain. Because if I lose one or the other, my dreams, my fantasies, everything I had ever loved would just disappear.
Why am I like this?
Why can I not let go of my fantasies? My dreams? My childish wishes?
Innocent. You’re too innocent. You haven’t experienced life yet. You haven’t had a taste of reality.
But Father, how am I supposed to experience reality? How do I do that?
Find out on your own.
I have no idea. I don’t know how to find reality.
But now I think I know.
Then again, I don’t know. They turned their backs on me. They hurt me. Pushed me back into the light, and never said a word. Didn’t even look back. Not even a single whisper. No attempt to even look at me.
Maybe it was then that I felt something snap. I can’t be sure. I know for a fact that something snapped. Like a rope that was pulled too tight. I suddenly didn’t see them as my friends. They were like strangers to me. Maybe that’s what subordination feels like.
I don’t know when it happened.
I don’t even know what happened.
But I suddenly didn’t know them. They weren’t the friends I had always known. Almost suddenly, no, it was suddenly, because I was still getting over the shock when I lost sight of them.
Why did they ignore me?
Why did they leave me all alone?
Why couldn’t they have escaped with me?
Goodness, Marth, break out of that innocence! Get rid of those fantasies! Get out of that blind fantasy you so love to wander around in!
And stop wandering the stars with her?
And stop wandering the dreams with him?
Never hear or see my friends again?
Well…I suppose I’ll see them again. The question is when? A day? A week? A month? A few months? A year? A few years?
I wish I knew.
Will the wait be long, Master Jeigan?
I can’t be sure, my lord. Only time will tell.
Will I at least see them again?
We can do naught but hope.
What about her? Can I see her? Actually…will I even see her again? Ever?
Marth…
I love her, you realize. We all love each other. All three of us. Maybe differently, but that’s a fact that will never change. We all love each other.
Do they love me just the same way?
Then why did they leave me like that? Why did they stay in the dark? Why did they push me into the light to leave me alone? Why didn’t they come with me?
Do they…not love me as I thought we did?
Does she resent me for something I have done? What did I do?
I think I can hear her voice. Or maybe it’s just a dream. Her voice doesn’t sound so…grown up. Mature. But at the same time, I know it’s her.
She’s talking to him. My other friend. His voice doesn’t sound that mature in actuality, but again, I know it’s him. It’s different, but it’s him. I know it.
Maybe I can ask him before I talk to her. But can he hear me?
Marth, my friend, what’s wrong? You never are this down. Did she do or say anything to hurt you again? I’ll talk to her.
No, I’ll talk to her myself. But maybe you can tell me something, Mark.
Anything I can do to help you, my prince, I shall.
Why are you talking like that? You don’t really talk like that.
Are you sure? I’ve been like this for a while now.
What’s a while? You just left me.
Marth, are you well? I never left you. Circumstances just forced us to send you away into exile. We never meant for it to –
Stop lying. You two could have come with me. But you left me alone instead. Why did you leave me?
It wasn’t on purpose, my prince…Please don’t be so distressed…
Then tell me. Why didn’t you two go into the light with me? We could have stayed together. All three of us could have still been together.
Marth, it was for your safety. We couldn’t accompany you at that time. It would have been too dangerous on your part. She didn’t want to put you in danger.
Why does my safety come before hers?
I wonder about that. His voice kind of disappears after a moment.
Mark? Mark, where are you? Don’t leave me again…Please don’t leave me again…
Don’t cry, Marth…Please don’t cry…
It’s her voice. It’s that voice I love so ever dearly.
I’m sorry, Marth. I had to do it…I didn’t want any more trouble to come your way.
But you left me, Aliana. You didn’t even look at me. You didn’t say anything. You and Mark just pushed me into the light. Why did you stay in the dark? Why didn’t you come to the light with me? We could have stayed together.
I never left you. Stop exaggerating.
I’m not. You pushed me into the light and I couldn’t see you. You didn’t look back at me. You didn’t even say goodbye.
Marth, you’re taking this too far. We never left you. We stayed behind in Altea to help her people until you returned. We are actually looking for you.
Ellis never told you where she teleported me to?
No. Only she knows where you are. Unless you have any idea.
I don’t. Where am I? Where are you? Will I see you soon, Aliana?
I can only hope for it.
Where are you?
I can’t tell you.
Why?
I know you, Marth. If you found out where I was, you would fly straight here, no matter the danger that bars your way. I’m not about to let you walk to your death if that’s what ends up happening.
I won’t die. Not until I see you.
It doesn’t matter. You have to stay safe until you’re ready.
Ready for what?
You’ll see.
Tell me where you are, Aliana. I’ll secretly see you.
No. I can’t. Secrets aren’t safe anymore. You have to stay safe. Altea needs you to be safe. You’re all they have left.
I’ll be back, but I want to see you again, Aliana.
Mark and I feel the same way. We want to see you.
So why did you not say anything before you pushed me into the light?
It’s hard to explain…
Tell me anyway. I want to know.
I just didn’t want to say goodbye.
Innocence.
I guess it’s what keeps me from letting go of them, even though we could be miles upon miles apart.
Let it go.
Let it go.
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Comments
--
You say yes, I say no.
You say stop, but I say go go go!
Oh no.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello Goodbye ~ Beatles
"I got blisters on my fingers!" ~ Ringo Starr
Behind-The-Scenes Extras of New Moon! 8D
--
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
No really, it isn't. I promise. ^^
--
You say yes, I say no.
You say stop, but I say go go go!
Oh no.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello Goodbye ~ Beatles
"I got blisters on my fingers!" ~ Ringo Starr
Behind-The-Scenes Extras of New Moon! 8D
--
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
--
You say yes, I say no.
You say stop, but I say go go go!
Oh no.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello Goodbye ~ Beatles
"I got blisters on my fingers!" ~ Ringo Starr
Behind-The-Scenes Extras of New Moon! 8D
--
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
--
You say yes, I say no.
You say stop, but I say go go go!
Oh no.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello Goodbye ~ Beatles
"I got blisters on my fingers!" ~ Ringo Starr
Behind-The-Scenes Extras of New Moon! 8D
--
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
--
You say yes, I say no.
You say stop, but I say go go go!
Oh no.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
Hello Goodbye ~ Beatles
"I got blisters on my fingers!" ~ Ringo Starr
Behind-The-Scenes Extras of New Moon! 8D
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